Is there anywhere on earth that does an autumn morning as well as Melbourne? Probably, but let’s not split hairs. Last Saturday was a stunner, the air chilly, crisp and crystal clear. The sun bright but barely warm. A day to warm the heart and chill the nose. Perfect for some sensible relaxation, a read of the paper, maybe a tour of the nurseries (if that’s what takes your fancy…).

Why then (in the words of that silly old tune) do we spoil it all by going to the footy, which will invariably stir the pit of your stomach, put you through an emotional wringer, leave you jaded, and angry – and that’s if you win! But invariably we do, because we love the team, and love – perversely - the tension of the unscripted theatre that is all good sport.

There are no easy games in A Grade (sorry, Premier Division), but there are fewer tougher ones than the trek to Brindisi Street to play St Bede’s/Mentone. Again, your correspondent took the leisurely train – it was that kind of day, and a lift home was assured – getting to the ground just as the Ressies were winding up their game.

Some wind-up! With a few minutes to go, Old Trinity was leading – just – when STBM scored to take back the lead by a single point. From wanting the time to rush by, you were now wishing it would stand still. The OT boys struck again to lead by five; when the siren sounded the ball was sailing through the air towards the STBM goals – but just wide, to give the visitors a stirring win (with apologies to Rosco's Rant..).

As an entrée, it was delectable; the main course, however, was decidedly unpalatable.

The Mentone mosquito fleet was in action from the first bounce, the first minute. The style of play that trounced Trinity against the Blues, would massacre them today: a quick handball from the contest towards their own goal would find an unmarked player and off they would run in waves. Manning up is everything against sides like these. The chronicle of goals tells its own story: at the ten minute mark – four goals to zip; at the 15 – 7 to 1 (Jordan Wise being the lone scorer); at the 20 minute mark – 8 to 1; by the end of the quarter – 11 to 1, and game (effectively) over!

The second quarter starts and STBM picks up where it left off, dribbling goals from the most unlikely angles, and piling on the pain. Six minutes in and the Mentone Tigers make their first mistake – a mis-directed pass from HBF to the centre results in a contest, a turnover and a goal (to Brent Walsh). Nearly an hour into the game, Old Trinity strings together a series of handpasses from one end of the ground to the other to kick its third. The first constructive piece of play has taken a quarter and 11 minutes. The boys in green show a little more grunt, but no more skill.

Not all is equally gloomy, though. Under 19s player Bennett Potter in his first game in the Seniors shows he can get to the contest, Callum Pohl is winning a bit more of the ball in the centre, Brendan Iezzi on a HBF is starting to show some form and penetration. An injury to Rob Humann brings Tom “Mr Fix-It” Healy to CHB, where his leap provides an obstacle and his run, some rebound. But the margin at half time is still a yawning 13 goals.

The coach is livid at the break, demands that players win back their space, win back respect.
A free in the middle at the opening bounce leads to a quick kick into the forward line but, predictably today, results in a turnover up-field. On any other day, in any other match it would have been a gimmie to Andrew “Rambo” Ramsden. But the tempo this quarter is noticeably higher, the endeavour keener. Mistakes begin to creep into the Tigers' game. Is it tiredness, is it pressure, is it indifference – after all, they lead by 70-plus points.

OT keeps pressing, forcing contests, fighting for its their pride. No majors are scored in the first 12 minutes where in the first quarter the Tigers in the same time had piled on 7 goals. Twenty minutes in and another end to end effort results in a goal to “Rambo”, whose battles against multiple opponents finally cause a minor melt-down (and a report!). Richard Troon is noticeable for his hard crunches on opposition players; Harry Tinney positively shines with his dash and penetration; “Dipper” Bourke dependable under pressure.

At the final break, coach Chandler pleads with the players to salvage something – to win the last quarter. It’s easier to do when the other side has backed off but these Tigers are hungering for a hundred-point drubbing. The OT players know this because their runner has told them so! The game recommences and there are two teams out there - one is playing for pride, the other for percentage.

In the end OT wins the quarter, but the beer doesn't taste any the sweeter for that.